Today, I realized that the “health and safety are non-negotiable,” mantra I preach to parents regarding their children should also apply to adults, myself included.

So, I want to know, do you consider regular check-ups, keeping up with medications, eating (reasonably) well, getting regular exercise, allowing for downtime and other mental health boosters as necessities or luxuries?

I am guessing the latter part of the list might be the biggest challenge. Could reframing these things as health and safety help motivate you? I am going to give that reference a try in my own head. Let me know what you think and what works for you.

One of the parents I work with calls me to ask for pixie dust when she is facing a challenge with her kids. This mom maintains that every time we speak her kids behavior improves before she implements any of the recommended approaches. I love that she thinks I am magical. Trouble is it’s not true. The magic lies in the parent herself.

Once she processes her problem, identifies its core, and crafts a response that feels natural and reasonable, her body language, words and tone align. Frustration, exhaustion and defeat are no longer on display. And, as though they have been sprinkled with a magical pixie dust, her kids change.

I don’t want to put myself out of the parent coaching business, but I’ll let you in on a secret; parents mix their own pixie dust. A dash of clarity, a bit of confidence, and a heap of “because” from your own garden is the perfect recipe for transformation.

Nothing frustrates me more than hatred cloaked in manners. Bryce Dallas Howard, as Hilly in The Help made me want to jump through the screen and choke her as she so smilingly justified her oppression of others.

Yet, as I continued to think about the characters, I became angrier at the other women than I was at Hilly. Hilly treated her mother horribly, her help horribly, her friend, Skeeter, horribly, and told terrible lies that altered other lives; all while grown women stood by applauding and supporting her. And, like the racial issues portrayed in the movie, this passivity is not a thing of the past or a phenomenon of the south. One voice, in one home, could have changed the course a life or a community.

I, for one, am vowing to mine my life for crimes of passivity. Am I ignoring hatred disguised as dinner conversation? Am I avoiding conflict just to belong? Am I standing up when I need to and speaking up when I should? Am I setting an example for the children who are watching?

I think we should all take a closer look.  Are you in?

The story of the $50,000 hockey shot interests me. If you haven’t heard about it, here it is in a nutshell.

Eleven-year-old twin brothers attend a charity hockey event with their dad. At halftime, one of the brother’s names is called to attempt a near impossible hockey shot (three inch puck, 3 ½ inch goal from 89 feet) for $50,000. The brother whose name is chosen is at the concession stand so the father directs his twin to go down to the ice, say he is his brother and take the shot.

Now, I am an honesty hound, but I think on the spur of the moment I would have considered this an innocuous lie, wanting one of my kids to have the cheering crowd experience, knowing the odds were next to impossible that he would hit his target. Ready, aim, uh-oh! The boy MAKES the shot. Now father and sons have a big lie on their hands.

Not wanting his kids to be party to a lie, dad came forward and told the organizer that it was in fact Nate, not Nick who made the shot. Now the insurance company who thought they would never have to pay the prize money has an easy out. There are multiple opinion polls on the possible payout.

I think this family went to a hockey game and came home richer. Those riches have nothing to do with $50,000. They learned that honesty counts, and even a small deception can turn into a huge debacle. They learned that their dad will do what’s right even when a lot of money is on the line. They got enough media coverage to make this a family legacy. That impossible hockey shot really was lucky.

What are your thoughts?

Remember the days of dining out with just adults; laughter, conversation, lingering over dessert and coffee? Once baby hits the scene, or maybe more accurately, toddler, leisurely dinners often become a distant memory. And, although the “leisurely” part of the meal may be too much to ask, a pleasant meal out as a family does not have to be a thing of the past. Here’s how to have your cake and eat it, too.

• Practice at home. If your child is not required to sit at the table and eat with the family regularly, using manners and acceptable behavior your child will have know idea what you expect in a public setting.

• Plan ahead. Make sure your child is rested and not hungry, before you go. Yes, I know you are going out to eat, but you are also going to have to sit at a table and wait for food – something that doesn’t typically happen at home. Let your little one have a bite before you leave the house and a couple of crackers or cheerios once you sit down. Try to keep your wait for a table to a minimum by picking a less busy time of day, or sending someone ahead to sign-in, especially if your child is unable to move around outside at your chosen spot.

• Choose the right venue. It doesn’t have to be McDonald’s or Chuck E. Cheese, but a spot with at least a moderate noise level and a few other high chairs creates a more relaxed atmosphere for everyone.

• Treat the high-chair or booster like a car-seat; once you are in, you do not get out until the meal/trip is over. It is unsafe for children to move about in restaurants – children, patrons and servers are all at risk when children are allowed underfoot. Besides, the people at other table did not go out to eat so they could dine with your child hanging over their booths or standing at their table. The truth is, you love your little one madly, but strangers do not, especially during their dinner.

Your child cannot run around if the restaurant or patio area is empty. It’s unlikely those spaces will remain empty for your entire meal and you will eventually have to corral a toddler who does not understand why it was ok to wander about just moments ago and now they must be secured in a high-chair, stroller or lap. To avoid confusion, keep the rule consistent; when you are eating at home or away, you sit at the table with your food, when you are in a restaurant you sit at the table during the entire visit.

• Bring a table treat. Put a special bag together with a couple of things that your child only plays with when dining-out, something that holds your little ones attention.

• Converse. Include your child in conversation, and offer your attention. Observe the setting together. Acknowledge good behavior and frustrating events. Save leisurely dining to adults-only outings, even in the best of situations, it is difficult for little ones to sit for extended periods of time.

• If all else fails – Leave and take your food to-go. Do not let your little one act-up without consequence, this is how bad behavior builds. When misbehavior occurs, offer a reminder about the expectation, and if your child does not comply, swiftly and matter-of-factly pick them up, tell them their behavior is inappropriate and it is time to go home. Take their table activity away and leave their food behind. Do not relent if your little one begs to stay, you already gave a reminder, and now you must follow-through.

Restaurant expectations, like all expectations, must be taught, practiced and upheld. In the preschool years, perfection may elude you, but enjoyment will not, if you set everyone up for success.

I have a question for your page! This stems from my casual observations not science, but it is something that interests me. I feel that in the past decade or two, for the first time in history, children are going to bed and waking up at the same times as their parents. This may seem like a small change, but I feel that over time it may have some negative consequences for the parents’ relationship (e.g., not having time alone to be a couple). Do you notice this change in the child-parent sleep schedule? What types of unintended consequences would you predict from this arrangement? Looking forward to your thoughts!

Thanks so much for your question, Jamie.

Some families make the active choice to have bedtimes coincide so they have maximum time with their children. I find, typically, these families consist of working parents who feel they would, otherwise, have too little time with the kids. Some are parents who do not want to create a hierarchy in the family that dictates bedtime. If there is a price to pay in the adult relationship, these families have actively chosen to make the expenditure.

It’s the accidental bedtime routine that is a frequent topic in my office; habits that were established to avoid conflict; laying down with children until they go to sleep and other lengthy rituals that absorb the evening, leaving parents with little alone time together for conversation, to pursue interests, or to share intimacy.

Parents, at their wit’s end begin to blame each other. Sometimes, one parent leaves the house or doesn’t come home until late in the evening to avoid the entire bedtime fiasco. Once the kids are finally settled, mom and dad are either too tired, or too angry to spend any quality time together and it isn’t long before those frustrations leak into daytime hours, as well.

Demanding children become as anxious about the evening routine as their parents. Although, it is hard to believe that little ones who keep running out of their room, asking for water, and going to the bathroom, really do long for limits so they can transition peacefully to a goodnight’s sleep.

There are varied strategies to change the habits depending upon the individual family dynamic. The key to success is deciding that a change must be made, establishing a workable plan, sharing the plan with the child and following through consistently and without hesitation.

There is more than one way to raise kids. Children and families will not be ruined if kids stay up late, and the parent/child relationship will not be damaged if kids go to bed early. One key to healthy familial relationships is active decision-making and an identified “because”.

For those of us who attended school on a traditional schedule, late summer and early fall feels more like New Years than January 1; a time when the slate is clean, the pencils are sharp and anything is possible.

This hopefulness is often true for children, as well, but can be coupled with the stress of new expectations, new teachers, new classmates and a switch from the carefree days of summer.

How a parent can help:

• Share the hopefulness – in a new school year, there are friends to be made, things to learn, and anything is possible – avoid bringing up past disappointments, poor habits and fears regarding readiness. Tell your children they are ready (they’re going anyway) you believe in them and you are there for support if they need it.

• Encourage children to devise their own success plan – when and where to do homework, how to keep track of what’s due, and how to be sure nothing gets left behind in the morning (yes, even in kindergarten).

• Ease the transition by helping your child get back to a school sleep schedule – to bed earlier and up earlier – so at least the body clock is adjusted when the other changes begin.

• Remember, a new teacher, new classmates, and new expectations are stressful; akin to the stress of a job change for adults. Expect kids to be tired and even short-fused. Be patient and empathetic.

Here’s to starting out the school year on a good note.

Have tips to share? Please join the conversation.

Join my fan page on Facebook for parenting information from multiple sources.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Engage-Parent-Coaching-and-Education/224964354185945?sk=wall

Many parents envision bullies as kids who lurk around corners and grab children’s lunch money, jeer them in the cafeteria or embarrass them online. We’ve heard the tragic story of Phoebe Prince, and others like her, who took their own lives in the face of extreme harassment. Parents, teachers, and administrators need to get involved in these blantant incidents immediately.

The more common bully in a child’s life is best identified as a frenemy. Frenemies quietly practice exclusion, whisper embarrassing tidbits, mock clothes or abilities, flaunt other friendships, and give the silent treatment. The frenemy may be a frequent play date, a classmate, or a neighbor. Your son or daughter may openly complain about this child, but to the adult ear nothing is really amiss, just a bit of kid stuff. Parental replies (sometimes offered with dismissive tone)to these complaints often include; “don’t hang around with him” or “that’s because she’s jealous of you”, and your child is left with no empathy and no guidance, only the drip, drip, drip of rejection eroding their confidence.

Surviving Frenemies:

• Empower your child by practicing skills and giving choices. Share your own experiences or the experiences of siblings or friends (if you don’t have any real life experiences of your own to share, make them up!).

• Don’t see or treat your child as a victim.

• Listen attentively, mirroring your child’s emotion

• Ask your child what they have done to try to stop the behavior.

• Let your child know that he/she has a choice in maintaining this relationship.

• Suggest things your child might say (consider the personalities involved and circumstances): Direct – “I don’t like the way you treat me”; Defiant – “Then find someone else to hang out with”; Dismissive – “Whatever”…

• Practice and role play.

• Address body language. (Messages given with head-up and shoulders back are taken more seriously).

• Support a change of classrooms, schools, activities, etc. if your child’s actions are unsuccessful and your child so desires. The power of choice aids in confident action.

• Don’t immediately address the other child, the child’s parents, teachers, or coaches with your complaints, especially with tweens and teens. Exhaust other options first and weigh the social cost to your child should you chose this path.

What a Parent Should Consider:

• Are you helping your child identify his/her own gifts and talents?

• Are you accepting and supportive of your child’s personality?

• Is your home a safe haven, free of mean-spirited criticism and constant nagging?

• Gain insight into your child’s needs by observing the type of children he/she is drawn to socially.

Most of us share the goal of raising healthy, well-adjusted children and know we cannot spare our kids the pain of early friendships, but with support and guidance there can be more learning and skill building and less heartache.

What have you experienced in your own life? Please share your questions and tips to help others.

I didn’t force reading on my daughter. I didn’t need her to be an early reader. I wanted her desire and her skills to come organically. I believed, and still believe in learning through play and the developmental building blocks that get brains ready for more complex tasks. But, in many ways, I was forced in my lack of forcing.

I read the Read-Aloud-Handbook, by Jim Trelease. I heard Mr. Trelease speak. As an early childhood professional, his approach was natural and sensible to me. I read to my daughter from birth. I modeled reading as a mother. I read books above my child’s own reading level. I read books above my child’s intellectual level. And, I did it all in a formulaic kind of way.

I wish I had embraced Trelease for attitude, not as dogma. I wish we had laughed and read for fun with no thought of building skills. I wish we had read chapter books beyond her reading level, but not (even occasionally) beyond her intellectual level (those days were to come). I wish we had read more Ramona and less Anne of Green Gables. I wish there had been Junie B. Jones.

I wish that when she went to elementary school, and middle school, and high school, that their would have been time to read for pleasure and not just for an accelerated-curriculum or college prep. I wish she hadn’t spent adolescent summers reading Guns, Germs and Steel and The Odyssey.

I wish I could unwind her sense that reading is a chore, a kind of penance. I wish she knew that reading is a peaceful escape, a source of interest, not always a means to an end. I suppose she will have to make that discovery on her own, in her adulthood. Still, I wish I had done things differently in her childhood.