How do you prepare/handle a three-year-old for mass gift opening–while teaching them to be thankful. For example, the rip open a bag/gift to find the cutest outfit.  They, however, throw it to the side. In my ideal world they would finish unwrapping the gift and say thank you. 

As I listened to Rosalind Wiseman this morning on the Today Show, I felt grateful for her wisdom, and sadness that she was not around when I was a kid.  Her book, Queen Bees and Wannabees validated the pain of my youth and the updated version of her book will help you help your daughter navigate the oldest, and the newest challenges, society heaps on our daughters.

One of Wiseman’s primary focuses is that we teach girls that addressing struggles with peers is not about being friends, but about how to be socially competent.

I couldn’t help, but reflect back on my first years as a preschool teacher, saying to children: “we are all friends together at school.”  Isn’t that a lovely notion and the biggest lie you ever heard?  We are not all friends together at school (or anywhere else, for that matter), and it makes no difference if we are four or forty.   Yet, this myth is promoted to children - especially girls - by well meaning people, and girls often believe it for a lifetime.

Are you aware of how often you use the words “good” and “nice” with your daughters – words that most often imply deference and silence.  Let’s change the direction to “respectful” and “polite,” introduce the concept of kindness without capitulation. 

Observe how many times you (at least, initially) wince when your girl stands her ground and boast when your boy does.   If you are more evolved than this, good for you!  Speak up and model for others.  If you are guilty, let your guilt guide you to changing your behavior, and teaching a new lesson. 

If you are a parent, or a teacher, or a coach, or a neighbor, change your primary focus to respect and regard - not just kids showing it to you, but kids showing it to each other.  Creating a greater space for decency will allow more energy for math, and soccer, and a better understanding of true friendship.

If you have a child of at least three, you have likely experienced a morning when you greeted a little one, once smiling and serene, who had suddenly become whiny and willful.  You likely checked for fever, or budding teeth, and then after several days of challenging behavior, decided that something had gone terribly wrong with your child or with your parenting.

Thankfully, this was not the case.  Your little one had just moved from a predictable stage of equilibrium to disequilibrium – smooth, steady development, followed by a growth period of unpredictable emotions and high levels of frustration.  This transition happens naturally about every six months from approximately 1 ½ through age nine.

For some children the transition from one stage to another is a mere undulation.  For others it is a full-blown rollercoaster ride.  As a parent, you need to be prepared, tighten your safety belt and remember that those sudden drops, sideways turns, and rapid speeds actually indicate your child is growing, and that is a GOOD thing.

Disequilibrium occurs as babies reach for more.  Crawling moves to toddling and vocabularies grow. Suddenly, not content with a few words, your little one has something big to say and demands to be understood.  No longer satisfied with walking, baby wants to run.  Their lack of expertise leaves them frustrated, and sometimes, down right angry. 

To help you relate, consider disequilibrium in adults.  It occurs in times of change, when we have mastered a particular challenge or task, and are ready to move forward.  Suddenly, the new job, the new class, the new expectation overwhelms us.  In response we might be more intense, more easily frustrated, and generally more unpleasant.  We might want to scream, throw ourselves on the floor, or quit, but (hopefully) we have enough emotional maturity and experience with social norms to resist such behavior.  Your child, on the other hand lacks experience, is emotionally raw, and unfiltered; hence, screaming, tantruming, and quitting.

In response to these behaviors, you can provide the same considerations that might benefit you; understanding, support, guidance, routine, and rest. 

Don’t worry; it gets better from here… at least for six months.

For more information and traits reflected at each age, check-out these books: Your Two-Year-Old; Your Three-Year-Old; Your Four-Year-Old; etc., by Frances Ilg and Louise Bates Ames.

It will be only moments into parenthood or pregnancy, for that matter, when you will be faced with an interminable string of questions from friends and family (and sometimes even strangers) about your earliest parenting decisions; birthing, naming, feeding, sleeping.  Just when you think you’ve answered them all a whole new crop will come along.  Even your little one will descend on you with an endless list of “whys” about everything from the nonsensical to the profound.

Wise parents make it a mission to know their because.  In other words, they make active choices with intent.  They are prepared to answer the question, however it might be phrased, “why do you do it that way?”

Ultimately, you will come to realize that parenting is a series of choices; some will be well thought out; some, a reaction to events as they occur, (but choices non-the-less).  Some approaches will work for one family and not for another.  There is no one right path, but every path is fraught with the judgment of others.  Create your map or you will lose your way.

Begin by invoking health, safety, and the law as non-negotiable; they are the no-brainers of parenting. Riding in car seats, washing hands after toileting, running into the street, are never up for debate.  Most other things are subjective - I can show you a book that says you should never have a family bed, and I can show you a book that says you should only have a family bed.

To aid in the determination of your because, integrate some information from the “experts,” along with your gut, your experience, your lifestyle, and your beliefs.  Consider the age, stage and personality of your child.  Facilitate your thinking by saying “I am making this decision because…” Be alerted if your response has anything to do with not wanting to rock-the-boat, or how you will appear to others.  If that proves to be your underlying motivation (congrats to you for your honesty), you are on a slippery slope and you are unlikely to confidently sustain your path.  Parse your own values further.

Learn your because, know your because, and honor the because of others.   When disagreements arise or concession is warranted you can always simply and confidently state, “isn’t it interesting how different families do things differently?”

I am a woman who makes good on her commitments to others.  I keep my appointments.  I am timely.  I reliably write a weekly blog post for www.happyhourmom.com.  However, when it comes to keeping commitments to myself, I cannot be counted on.  That is why my eating habits are poor, my exercise regime is non-existent, and my blog - which has been “active” for almost two years - has had sporadic entries.  (Of course, if you view my blog now, you will find the ­­­slate blog is wiped clean, along with all my previous vows to write regularly.)

Today, I am once, again, promising to post.  I am abandoning my fear of punctuation errors and grammatical mistakes.  I am facing the fact that I use dashes incorrectly, and overdo parentheses (I excuse it as stylistic).  I know I sometimes end my sentences in prepositions.  Reading Eats Shoots and Leaves has not corrected the problem. I surrender.  I will no longer be afraid.

Interestingly enough, I do not fear your criticism or challenge of my opinions.  I will muse about kids, and families, and schools and discipline.  Sometimes you will think I am wrong.  I welcome your debate.  I encourage your questions.  I think healthy (and sometimes, heated) exchange makes for thoughtful parenting, and I believe that thoughtful parenting is (usually) better parenting.  Sometimes you will change my mind.  I hope I will also change yours.  At least, let’s add to each others thinking.  

So please, log-on, consider, participate and engage.  I am eager to meet you.