Like most children, I loved Halloween  in spite of the fact that my mother always made me wear a sweater that ruined my costume and wouldn’t let me carry a pillow-case as a sack like all the cool kids, because she thought it looked greedy.  As an adult, Halloween  confounds me –  costumed children going from house to house and asking for candy from strangers, with the blessing and encouragement of their typically protective parents.

Yes, I know it has cultural meaning, it can connect neighbors and neighborhoods, it is fun, but there are always concerns to be addressed and teachable moments that present themselves, and it is my self-appointed job to address those issues and impose them on you.

I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill, but please, please, please let me state the obvious.

Safety First –  health and safety are always non-negotiable.

•    All trick-or-treating children need to be supervised by an attentive adult.

•    Make sure your kids carry some kind of light or have something on their costumes that glows in the dark.  In their excitement, they may dart out onto dark streets, unseen by moving cars.

•    Check all treats before turning them over to your kids to make sure they are identifiable, packaged, and appropriate for your child’s age.

•    Remind your children that this is a special tradition celebrated with an adult and that taking candy from strangers or approaching the houses of people they don’t know without adult supervision at any other time is not safe.

Frontload – set everyone up for success with clear, enforceable expectations

•    To avoid meltdowns, let your kids know the game plan for the evening – where you will be trick-or-treating and with whom, how long you will be out, how far you will go, whether or not candy will be available to eat upon your return and, if so, how much?

•    Acknowledge the excitement and how hard it is to wait when your little ones begin to nag about getting ready or leaving the house at 3pm.  Provide a firm time-table that you can and will honor.  Defer to the clock as the ultimate authority – “when the clock says 5pm we will begin to get ready and then we will leave at 5:30.”

•    Tell your kids how to manage crowds – let the trick-or-treaters on a porch depart before they proceed to the door (like good elevator manners).  Let the littlest kids go first and stand in front so they can maneuver in their costumes, avoid being run-over, and everyone can be seen.  Not fair?  Everyone had a chance to be little and stand at the front of the line.

•    Acknowledge your children’s efforts to be cooperative and considerate and note their thank-yous – this is a night when self-control and good manners are easily lost.

Anticipate  - The best defense is a good offense.

•    Your children are likely to be tired on Saturday morning, experiencing a sugar-low and displaying an attitude that reflects both.  It will be only moments after they wake that they ask for more candy. Prepare your response and plan your day accordingly.

Enjoy:

I may be confounded as an adult, but I was enchanted as a child – enjoy these enchanting moments with your child.  You are making memories and the years go fast – before you know it, your kid, like mine, will be dressed in a questionable costume and attending a party on a college campus.

And, in deference to my mother, don’t let your child carry a pillowcase -she was right it does look greedy, but she wasn’t right about the sweater.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Each Monday, I respond to questions at www.happyhourmom.com.  Log-on to read my replies to some common parenting challenges.  Feel free to ask questions through Happy Hour Mom, too, or send your questions to me at carolyn@engagetoday.com and I will reply here.Happy parenting!

We all like a surprise every now and then, and we are all sometimes forced to deal with a disruption, but generally it’s nice to know what to expect each day.  Adults have the ability to plan and infer, children, mostly, have to go along for the ride.  If you want a smoother trip, you need to frontload your little ones – tell them what’s going to happen and what to expect. 

Frontloading can begin in infancy – “I am going to pick you up, now, and get you ready for a bath.”  You can narrate taking off baby’s clothes, the change in the way the air feels on the skin, the transition to the warm water.  Does baby understand your words?  No, but your infant understands your attention, and loves your caring tone.  The bonus is the introduction to language, conversation and regard.

You can prompt about loud noises, a change in the environment, or the arrival of a guest.  I used to tell my little girl “big sun” as we moved from the interior of the car into a parking lot, and “somebody’s getting help” as a siren approached, so she would not be startled.  I always let her now that daddy would be home soon and would pick her up and give her hugs and kisses (Daddy learned to frontload, too).

If you start in infancy, as children grow you will already be in the habit of including them in the day’s plan.  Consider frontloading as an example of good manners and consideration of others.  Frontloading allows kids to plan and anticipate, too.  “This morning we are going to the bank and grocery store.  We are going to do a big shopping.  Then we will come home and have lunch and a nap.”  Or, “After daycare, today, we are going to grandma’s for dinner, before we go home.  Is there anything special you need to bring this morning so you have it after school.”

The concept is simple, but the benefits are great.  You can address objection with acknowledgement – “I know you don’t like grocery shopping.  It is not my favorite chore either, but we need food in our house.  We will work together to get it done more quickly” or “remember, I told you this was our plan.  I understand you want to go home, but we have made this commitment.”  Showing a child this simple regard will teach how to show regard in return. 

In the planning of your day (and your life) if you know your because, acknowledge emotion, and frontload your children on plans and expectations, you are taking steps to building a strong, reciprocal regard. And the truth is, with parenting, you never actually have control, all you really ever have is the relationship.

As I listened to Rosalind Wiseman this morning on the Today Show, I felt grateful for her wisdom, and sadness that she was not around when I was a kid.  Her book, Queen Bees and Wannabees validated the pain of my youth and the updated version of her book will help you help your daughter navigate the oldest, and the newest challenges, society heaps on our daughters.

One of Wiseman’s primary focuses is that we teach girls that addressing struggles with peers is not about being friends, but about how to be socially competent.

I couldn’t help, but reflect back on my first years as a preschool teacher, saying to children: “we are all friends together at school.”  Isn’t that a lovely notion and the biggest lie you ever heard?  We are not all friends together at school (or anywhere else, for that matter), and it makes no difference if we are four or forty.   Yet, this myth is promoted to children - especially girls - by well meaning people, and girls often believe it for a lifetime.

Are you aware of how often you use the words “good” and “nice” with your daughters – words that most often imply deference and silence.  Let’s change the direction to “respectful” and “polite,” introduce the concept of kindness without capitulation. 

Observe how many times you (at least, initially) wince when your girl stands her ground and boast when your boy does.   If you are more evolved than this, good for you!  Speak up and model for others.  If you are guilty, let your guilt guide you to changing your behavior, and teaching a new lesson. 

If you are a parent, or a teacher, or a coach, or a neighbor, change your primary focus to respect and regard - not just kids showing it to you, but kids showing it to each other.  Creating a greater space for decency will allow more energy for math, and soccer, and a better understanding of true friendship.

When childhood choices meet natural consequences wonderful lessons can be taught with no parental imposition.  The only requirement is that parents allow for those consequences to take place; The kindergartner who refuses the sweater must be allowed to be cold at school, the 4^th grader who skips practice all week isn’t allowed to play in Saturday’s game, the high–schooler who chronically “forgets” homework, receives a lesser grade.

The challenge with young children is the need for more immediate consequences so they are capable of making the connection between cause and effect.  Magic phone call to the rescue. 

Let’s assume your little one is hitting at preschool (this must have happened to someone out there) and the natural consequence, to stay home from preschool, is not an option.  There is an upcoming birthday party, but it is too many days away to serve as a viable teaching tool.  If only a friend would call, right now, and invite your child to play.

Use your cell phone to dial your home phone or employ a friend to give you a call and create a fictitious invitation.  Remember, I said fictitious – do not involve another child who will be disappointed by this proposition.  Respond to the caller: “I am so sorry.  Ava is having a little bit of trouble with hitting, so I don’t think it is a good time for a play date.  Please ask, again, as I am sure she will learn to control herself better, soon.” 

Your child will likely react with tears and promises to keep her hands to herself.  You will calmly respond, “oh, honey, it would not be responsible for me to take you out when I know there is a risk that you might hit someone.  I will help you practice your self-control, and when you are managing at preschool, we will schedule a play date.”

Nothing in this response should be punitive.  The message is simply that your child is not ready for the responsibilities that come with socializing.  The expectation is that the child will soon be ready to play safely and that you will support gaining that readiness.  Everyone is on the same team, but the ball is in the child’s court.

I am a believer in the teaching power of natural consequences.  I know that after an evening spent shivering at a ballgame, I take a sweater to the next event .  If I forget something I need at work and suffer the frustration of being ill prepared, I take immediate steps to improve my organizational skills.   And yet, when children make the same kind of errors, parents often rescue instead of letting the circumstances provide the discipline. 

I think the reasons for parental rescuing are fear based.  We (the current generation of parents) are terrified for our kids to “fail,” and worry that a zero on an assignment, a poor grade, or a missed opportunity will doom our child’s academic or social future. Additionally, let’s face it, parenting in public is difficult, and if lunch is left behind (again) and you allow junior to go hungry, or you send your kid to school in a dirty shirt, because he constantly leaves his clothes on the floor  instead of putting them in the hamper, someone is going to judge you.  I sympathize, but, you’ve gotta buck up!

Experience is the best teacher and robbing children of the consequences of their own actions is equivalent to denying them the opportunity to learn to read – eventually their ability to function will be compromised.  Not to mention, that you will run yourself ragged tying up all of their loose ends, all the while building resentment towards your skill-less, ungrateful child, who never had the opportunity to learn from natural consequences.

So, this week, I challenge you to leave the homework on the counter and the laundry on the floor.  I suggest that you don’t backtrack to preschool to get the treasure left in the cubby, or deliver the jacket your child refused to take even though rain was clearly imminent.  You need not offer the rescue.  You need only anticipate the frustration, and provide a sincere and sympathetic acknowledgment, “oh honey, that must have been hard for you.” 

Everyone with children knows, kids cry.  A lot.  It can’t be avoided.  It’s developmental.  Before they can talk they cry, and after they have words they cry.  They cry when they are sad, frustrated, angry, and tired.  Sometimes their crying escalates to full-blown, lay on the floor, red-in-the-face tantrums.  Kids are rarely inhibited by onlookers or venue, so meltdowns can happen at home, at school, and the grocery store. 

Mostly parents just want to make the crying stop, so they often resort to diverting and distracting - “if you stop I’ll buy you an ice cream,” or they discipline or dismiss – “go to your room so I don’t have to listen to you” or  (the more old-school) “I’ll give you something to cry about.”  Although bribing and banishing sometimes offer quick relief, they don’t teach any coping skills or provide kids any insight into acceptable expression.

Parents want children to use words, but all to often they do not provide the child with words to use.  Acknowledge and label your child’s feelings.  Let him know he has conveyed his message.  Say out loud, “I can see that you are sad because dad left.  Sometimes it is hard to say good-bye.  Can I help?”  

Frustration is a close companion of the growing child.   Children are learning so quickly and their frustration level can be so high, especially during times of disequilibrium.  Acknowledge and relate - “You seem frustrated.  You have been working hard to build that tower and it keeps falling over.  Sometimes when I am frustrated, I take a break until I feel calmer and am ready to try, again.”

Anger can be trickier because so many adults have negative associations with that emotion.  Label it, even if your experience has left you uncomfortable with the feeling.  Your child can learn to express anger in a way that is acceptable in your family.  Try an acknowledgement and a direction like; “I know you are angry that your brother took your toy, but you may not hit him.  You may say, ‘I am angry with you, ‘ and you can even use a loud voice.  Or you can say I am not going to play with you today because I am angry that you took my toy.” 

Provide a word that identifies your child’s expressed emotion.  Provide an acceptable response or reaction.  Your acknowledgment reflects care and understanding, let’s children know there is nothing wrong with their feelings, allows for appropriate expression, and builds a foundation of empathy for others. 

Ultimately, much more effective than divert, distract, discipline or dismiss, don’t you think?